Why You're Writing Is Just As Important As What You're Writing
Knowing your argument or through line will make your writing sing (and sell).
Recently, How to Glow in the Dark posted that one of the most common notes agents and editors give writers about their book proposals is that their books need an argument or through line.
When I read that I felt like I could hear the collective scream from every writer I know and work with.
We just want to write. Shouldn’t our words and experiences be enough? Shouldn’t a reader know to read between the lines? Why do I have to spell it out for them?
I feel that sentiment with every bone in my body. But having finished my manuscript in January, I can also say that *why* you are writing something is just as important as *what* you are writing. And it’s hard to know your argument or your “why” until you immerse yourself deeply in your book and find your narrative voice.
When my amazing agent, Jane von Mehren, pitched my book proposal to editors, I knew my book was about maternal ambivalence and my eventual path to motherhood. I could close my eyes and see the scenes I wanted to write: learning that my great-grandmother and grandmother abandoned their children; reading the report about my half-brother’s genetic disorder and wondering if I was a carrier for the same disease; contorting myself to fit into my first marriage even though somewhere deep inside I probably knew I wanted a child and he didn’t.
But what was I trying to show the reader with all of these scenes? What would the reader take away from my story? I still wasn’t sure.
I started reading everything that everyone else was writing about motherhood and maternal ambivalence and dread.
I read this by Stephanie Danler and screamed YES to myself:
I’m in a heterosexual marriage with two children. I honestly never saw it coming. I feel I need to scream out to myself at twenty-six, when my boyfriend asked me to marry him: Say you’re not ready. Instead, I thought at the time: Who could say no? Isn’t this what everyone wants?
The second time around I got married for what I consider the right reasons (love, children, health insurance). But I wish I could say to myself and my peers in our early and mid-thirties: You do not need to get married and have children. Did I do those things because I felt a guttural instinct? Because this was how I wanted to grow and spend my days? Or because I’m impulsive and wanted to see what could happen?
Dear God, the pressure, both ambient and explicit. Why do we still have such limited imaginations for what a woman’s life can look like? When I think about what I want for my daughter, it’s this pressure I want to remove first.
I read about the cult of perfect, perfect bodies, misogyny, tradwives, and how we’re all touched out and too much and not enough at the same time. I listened to Ashley C. Ford talk to 13 people about their decision on whether or not to have children. I re-read Sheila Heti’s novel Motherhood looking for clues. Pored over Cheryl Strayed’s words because surely if anyone knows how to win the game of life it’s Cheryl.
I re-read Sarah Manguso’s gorgeous essay about changing her mind about motherhood.
I read about artist mothers, and monster mothers, and mothers who have postpartum depression, and mothers who have postpartum psychosis, and mothers who cry, and women who don’t want to be mothers, and single moms, and women who do IVF to become mothers (even though so fucking many of us aren’t successful, but we only hear about the successful ones because those make the best stories on those damn fertility clinic websites, right?)
And I read about all the ways our bodies are damaged and discarded and left for dead.
I read about how we’re left waiting, and how we’re lied to, and how we’re made to feel hysterical and all alone. Not to mention that the whole idea that mothering is natural (don’t get me started) and that we have an innate instinct for it is bullshit.
And these were only the books and essays that were published fairly recently. I also combed through the canon written by our feminist foremothers who grappled with many of the same questions we do (Guess what? Our generation does not have a monopoly on maternal anxiety! The Victorians were really worried about their kids too. And there weren't any vaccines or clean water and people’s children died all the time, which made them pretty anxious as well).
The more I read the more I understood that I do have an argument my book is making. My argument is this: The patriarchal expectations around the institution of motherhood are killing us (spiritually and literally) and it’s time for a new “mother code,” one that recognizes that there are as many ways to “do” motherhood as there are mothers. No two mother codes are alike. They’re not one-size-fits-all. They’re one-size-fits-one. And that’s the beauty of it. The humanity. The magic.
It’s Women’s History Month and I can’t think of a more profound message than “do you.” We spend so much of our lives self-silencing and being good and ignoring our deepest truths. It’s time to find our voices within. To think of the spring equinox as a new beginning (everyone knows that January and February are for hibernation and the spring equinox is the real start of the year). Give yourself permission to not know the argument your essay or book is making yet. Give yourself permission to not have even started writing anything. Give yourself permission to take the shoe off (or shake the narrative off) if it doesn’t fit. It’s not yours. You’ll find yours when the time is right.
Holy Moses - your feet never felt so comfortable, or looked so cute. @freedommosesofficial
My iconic red lipstick. @narsissist
When you want to have a perfect cocktail overlooking the Manhattan skyline. @therivercafe
Loafers that look good with jeans, a skirt, or a suit, and don’t hurt your feet. @aeyde
I couldn’t pass up a pairing between one of my favorite designers and a woman-owned, woman-run business. @nooworks @lisacongdon
I ate the latkes with trout roe at Gertrudes because Hannah Goldfield told me to. @gertrudesnyc @hannahgoldfield
For those who think too much. @mairakalman
You always wanted to buy your own tiny oil painting and now you can. @thisisalliknow
Adulthood can mean learning how to play again. @microkickboard
Zip front jumpsuits for the win here and here. @rachelcomey @caroncallahan
Shameless plug: If you care about reproductive rights, or just like a good personal essay, read my newest piece for Vogue on my struggle with what to do with our five leftover embryos.
*FREE Spark Session* (March 19th @ 4-5 pm ET)
You can expect a juicy reading to activate your creative brain, a mini craft lesson, a writing prompt + 20 minutes of generative writing time. When we’re finished, you’ll have an opportunity to share your piece with a community of likeminded writers. Sign up here!
Fall Retreat 2024
Join me in Upstate New York this September for a long weekend of writing, connecting, and creative nourishment sure to free you from the shackles of your everyday life and leave you feeling open and ready to write the stories you’ve always wanted to tell. At night we’ll provide wine, dinner and a live storytelling circle. During the day there will be plenty of time for writing exercises, feedback and breathing room to roam the beautiful property of Sylvan Motor Lodge and take in the (peak!) foliage that envelopes the grounds. Details + registration here.
Upcoming Courses…
Writing Rage (one day)
There are so many reasons to be angry, from the political - The patriarchy! Reproductive rights! Climate change! - to the personal. In this two-hour class, we’ll learn how to channel that rage into something productive. We’ll look at some of the best writers (alive and dead) to see how they have turned their rage into writing that is raw, real and radical. Writers like Jade Sharma, Lyz Lenz, Megan Stielstra, and Amanda Montei will inspire us to let our inner lion roar. You will walk away from this class with the nuts and bolts of an essay in progress.
Rewriting Motherhood (one day)
Wondering how your motherhood (or lack thereof) story fits into a narrative that you can put out in the world? In this class, we’ll read some of the best authors who have taken up the mantle of motherhood in their writing and do generative writing exercises on topics such as maternal dread, ambivalence, the decision not to have children, and the pressures of parenting in a society that keeps score on social media. We will discuss how to write about the path to parenting in a way that will communicate your specific experience to a larger audience. Come ready to write about biological clocks, babies, and the battle to rewrite motherhood for ourselves.
How to Write a Book Proposal That Gets You an Agent (one day)
I have been working privately with clients on book proposals for years and have collected my own sets of tips and tricks to make the process as painless as possible. In this one day class I’ll let you in on the secrets no one tells you about how to write a book proposal that SELLS. We’ll cover everything from the most important section of your book proposal (it’s not what you think!), to the trick of writing sample chapters that shine, to narrowing down your target audience, and I’ll even leave time for you to ask me anything about your own book proposal process.
Self Guided Summer (twelve weeks)
Summer is not for being chained to your desk. Which is why I created Self Guided Summer, your chance to get the accountability, community and cheerleading every writer needs in a way that fits into your own schedule. There will be no mandatory classes. Instead, each Sunday you’ll receive an email in your inbox from me with inspirational prompts, musings on craft and a magical mystery box of optional readings and listenings to guide your practice for the week.
Finding Your Narrative (six weeks)
This is an interactive 6-week class on finding the narrative thread in your story. We will look at the structures and narrative arcs that have worked for other writers and hammer out the threads of your story: What themes keep popping up in your writing? What ideas keep you up at night? What pieces of your personal history haunt you? Will you bring in outside research? Other people's stories? How will all of these threads come together? You will walk away with a clear sense of the foundational themes that drive your writing.
"Writes"of Spring (twelve weeks)
Plant the seeds for the story you’ve been meaning to tell with me this spring. This interactive, 12-week workshop is for those who are just getting started, are early in the process, or are stuck and aren’t sure how to navigate the road ahead.
The Secrets to Pitching Essays That Get Published (four weeks)
Writers need to pitch editors to get their work noticed, but the skills needed to pitch an essay or article are vastly different than those needed to write one. In this four week class, we will learn the basics of pitching from how to know what editors are looking for to how to know which publications will be the best fit for your work. You will also have the opportunity to pitch your idea to a panel of editors in the final week of class and hear feedback about what works/what doesn’t from an insider’s perspective.
