The Question Everyone Asks About My Book
And why the answer matters to you.
One question I get a lot is what’s the one thing I learned from writing my memoir, The Mother Code. And the answer is simple, yet profound.
I realized I wasn’t alone.
I’d spent my life thinking that I wasn’t normal because I wasn’t sure if I wanted a kid. I was under the impression that most women “just knew.” That they felt an alarm or a signal deep inside their bodies that shook them awake at night and flitted through their minds at all hours of the day, whispering: I want a baby, I want a baby. But I didn’t have that lizard part of my brain, as I came to think of it. My inner monologue said: have adventures, travel, read books, explore. And if babies were on that list at all they were way down toward the bottom.
The truth is that having kids didn’t look like such a great option to me. The women writers I knew who had children and tried to write either abandoned their kids or went crazy or both. The 1950s Brady Bunch image of motherhood I’d been bombarded with looked pretty lame. My great-grandmother and grandmother both abandoned their children and lost their minds, or whatever you want to call it when a life shatters. I dreaded being any of these stereotypes. And yet I had no role models for what motherhood on my own terms could look like.
What I discovered as I dug deep into women’s lives and stories — and the research around motherhood — is that I’m the norm. But I believed everyone else was. Maternal ambivalence is normal. The images fed to us by the capitalist-patriarchy of selfless women who commit their whole lives to mothering and are excited to cook and clean and sacrifice their identities is the exception. Just ask Dr. Veerle Bergink, the director of the Women's Mental Health Program at Mount Sinai Hospital, who calls maternal ambivalence “the default.”
As we head towards Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate all of the different ways there are to have a good life. Whether you have kids or are thinking about having them or don’t want them or aren’t sure or don’t want to think about it for one more second, you belong. Because how boring would life be if we all wanted and chased the same exact thing?
What I love about life is that there are as many stories as there are people. Embrace yours.
We’ll be talking – and writing – about this and so much more in TONIGHT’S Rewriting Motherhood class so if you don’t have plans from 4-6pm ET today (5/2) join us!
Mother’s Day Gift Guide for Everyone *Independent of Parental Status*
Skippy Cotton pillows @skippy.cotton
East Fork Pottery seconds @eastforkpottery
Sheila Heti's Motherhood
The cutest calming serum you've ever seen! @facileskin
People I've Loved prints (and anything really - you can't go wrong!)
Make your own customized stationery in NYC. @seaportmuseum
Mother Tongue magazine subscription @mother_tongue_magazine
Can you tell I love zippered jumpsuits? @shopnoble
Anna Sheffield's evil eye studs
I’ve never drank so much water in my life. @owala
An Ignite Writers Collective candle!
TONIGHT’S motherhood generative writing class- for those who have kid(s), for those who don’t, and for those who just aren’t sure about the whole children thing.
