Everything I’ve Learned About Motherhood
Lessons on not following anyone else’s path
I thought I’d take a moment to write about a subject that everyone seems to think they have something to say about, but in reality no one has any useful advice to offer.
That’s because no two paths to motherhood (or to remaining childfree by choice) are alike just like no two humans are alike. So, what works for me won’t necessarily work for you. And vice versa.
Today’s list contains all I’ve learned about motherhood from living on planet Earth for close to 48 years, reading as many books about motherhood (and non-motherhood) as I could possibly inhale over the past five years, and being bombarded by ideas about motherhood on every TV show and movie ever. It’s brought to you by a mixture of rage and a lot of therapy.
All I Know About Motherhood: A Working List
There is no one way to do motherhood right. The scolds on the internet tell me that if I feed my kid cherry tomatoes without cutting them in half it’s child abuse. And that I need to cook something special for my kid’s lunch everyday. But the truth is that if all she wants to eat is a Trader Joe’s bean and cheese burrito then that’s fine with me. And if it’s fine with me and fine with her that’s all that should matter.
Not “doing” motherhood is perfectly okay too. Before I became a mom I believed that I would be punished if I decided not to have children. No one told me that, but it felt true. And while JD Vance, and those like him, have a lot to say about women who choose not to have children, there are plenty of communities that support–and cheerlead–those who don’t want to procreate.
Hand me downs are the best kind of shopping spree. Kids grow. A lot. Like 2-3 sizes in one year. Or more. And shoes, forget it. Of course, when there’s a sale at Mini Boden on the jersey dress dotted with mushrooms, I buy it. But whenever I can I grab an armload of stuff from my friend with an older kid who has good style, I do. Or I pick up stuff on Buy Nothing. Or from someone in my local parenting group on Facebook. Nothing feels better than knowing your child is wearing the freebie Natives you found on your neighbor’s stoop.
You’re never too late. Women spend their lives being told that they missed the boat, they got off track, they’re too old or not old enough. Well, I’m here to tell you that if you want to have a child there are ways to make it happen no matter your age. Motherhood may not look the way you expected it to, and it might not be on the same timeline as everyone else. But who wants to do the same thing as everyone else on the same timeline anyway?
“Natural” is bullshit: I’m so tired of women being told there is a natural (and therefore unnatural) way to become (and be) a mother. The natural way = not using fertility treatments, not using pain meds in labor, breastfeeding. Unnatural = not having children, formula feeding, having an epidural and/or needing a c-section. The idea of “natural” has been used to bully women into submission for too long. You know what’s not natural: deodorant, shaving your underarms and flying in an airplane and yet many, many people do all of those things.
It doesn’t matter how you get to this moment, if this moment is what you want <3 “Compare and despair” sucks the joy out of life: I do it too. I look at everyone else’s life and think that “they” have it all figured out. Yet no one does. Not even the people who wear white jeans and never seem to get a stain on them. Or get french manicures. Or have minimalist apartments. I promise you no one knows what they’re doing and we’re all just putting one foot in front of the other. So, do whatever the hell you want.
Motherhood is not always glamorous. Being present is all that matters. I’ve spent so many years running away – traveling here and there to lose myself in another reality far from my “real” life. But the thing about parenthood is that it asks you to be present. Like, really present. And that can be hard. I catch my mind wandering and think: someday Clementine won’t want me to read her a book or do an art project with her. Enjoy. This. Moment. Now. It’s not always easy, but when I can do it, it’s a worthy pursuit.
There’s lots to dread about motherhood but there’s tons of joy too. The most fun I’ve had being a mother is when I forget about “being” a mother and just exist as a mother. The institution of motherhood sucks, but motherhood itself doesn’t. Or at least not most of the time.
In Community,
Ruthie
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“brought to you by a mixture of rage and a lot of therapy” is priceless 🤘❤️
Too many parts of this that I liked to mention. Thank you for your writing on here, for your book and for putting down what many of us think.