What Charli XCX and I Have in Common
Why do women still have to "choose" between motherhood and self-actualization?
When I sold my book, The Mother Code, about my own path from maternal ambivalence to motherhood to Random House in 2022, I couldn’t have imagined that Charli XCX’s album of the summer, Brat, would include an anthem for the many young women contemplating motherhood today.
In “I think about it all the time,” Charli sings that a child would “make me miss all my freedom.” But then she also asks, “Would [a baby] give my life a new purpose?” and laments that she’s “so scared I’m missing out on something.”
This push-pull between a life of self-actualization and a life of perceived selflessness is *the* narrative we are given as women. We are told we must choose. That we can’t have both.
The Cut weighed in with a piece written by Shannon Keating.
What both amazes, and frankly, terrifies me is that Charli’s anxieties about motherhood are almost identical to what mine were when I was in my 20s and 30s. And yet I’m technically a young Gen X’er and she’s a young Millennial.
Why haven’t we moved the needle on maternal FOMO? Why don’t we have more portraits of what a “good life” can look like as a woman?
Charli XCX has her finger on the pulse of a cultural moment. At the same time that Charli’s song is being played nonstop, the fig anecdote from Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar is trending on TikTok. The gist is that the novel’s narrator Esther must choose one fig. There’s a fig that represents marriage and motherhood. And one that represents adventure. And one that represents her desire to be a famous poet and another a brilliant professor and there were so many figs she couldn’t choose just one until all the figs started rotting and falling to the ground. Inertia wasn’t an option. Esther would have to choose which life was right for her. But how?
I write about the figs in my book because I too didn’t know how to choose just one fig. Like Esther, I didn’t want what everyone else seemed to want. Or at least not at that moment.
“The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots off from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.”
As I’ve been writing my memoir, many other women I admire have written essays about their own struggle with whether to become mothers. Ann Friedman dedicated a whole newsletter series to becoming a mother after 40 when up until her pregnancy she stood firmly in the “No, thank you,” camp. Jill Filipovic wrote a gorgeous essay in Slate about her own maternal indecision. Around the same time, Rachel M. Cohen published a piece about maternal dread. Clearly, my own emotional landscape had collided with something that many, many other women had been pondering too.
We so rarely get to see women working out their raw, honest feelings around maternal ambivalence in public, so what a treat to finally have this cultural moment and our own POP SONG about it.
Madeline Donahue paints all of my feelings about motherhood. @madelinedonahue
From her Brooklyn kitchen to yours, you’ll love chef Mandela Cocores’ out of this world meals that can be heated up immediately or left frozen for later. Whether you’re a postpartum mom or trying to support a grieving friend or just someone who needs a little room in their schedule, a home-cooked meal never hurts. @getwelcomehome
If you love indie jewelry designers as much as I do, check out Escueleto, the tiny shop in lower Manhattan that you can manage to spend hours inside and never get bored. @shopescueleto
For all your IRL (or fantasy) dinner parties, go to Big Night. And don’t forget to buy this olive candle because, why not? @bignightshop
I’m all for a bagel renaissance especially if that means that I can eat Apollo’s everything bagel with lox and capers all summer long. @apollobagels
Introducing the zippered dress for those days when you don’t want to wear your zippered jumpsuit. @shopnoble
Who knew that Crocs made cute summer sandals? And this gorgeous green is killing me. @crocs
Because snakes are a symbol of transformation and renewal. @celinedaoustjewelry
When you want the most decadent buttercream slice of cake, look no further. @fromlucienyc
One of the most common laments I hear is “but I don’t remember exactly what happened.” Join my two-hour class But I Don’t Remember on Monday, July 1st from 3-5pm ET for a discussion and generative writing exercises focused on building a story around what you don’t remember by using speculation and imagination to flesh out your narrative. Even if you can’t join the class, all registrants will receive a recording so you can watch it later.
Apply for my 6-Month Book Incubator kicking off September 25th! More details here. Application here.
Are you looking for a writing retreat in upstate New York this summer with childcare? I'll be teaching a one week workshop during Omega's Family Week to help you unlock your story while your kid is in camp during the day. Join us July 21-26! MORE DETAILS AND REGISTRATION HERE.